Deflated, Lopsided, and Flat

Blogger world, I think about you often. Very often. But I'm just too lazy to get on the computer and start writing. You know, these posts take me a really long time to draft. So much has been going on since the last update. I have a visit with my plastic surgeon today to deflate my right side, the non-cancerous side. Why you ask? Let's rewind a bit.

Since my last update, I was fully expanded on both sides. Then a week later, I had to deflate my left side to prepare for radiation. Now that was quite an experience. I was hooked up to a tube that led to a sucking machine on the wall. The machine was connected to a huge measuring cup. When the machine was turned on, the saline was sucked out of the expander and into the cup. The whole process took about 30 minutes and a total of almost 400 cc's was extracted. The end result was scary. I thought that my extra skin would just sag, but it didn't. My left foob (fake boob) was left to resemble a crater, with the outer edges being the expander. It isn't pretty. Now I'm completely lopsided and I have to stuff my bra to be somewhat even.

Fast forward to yesterday. I had my CT planning appointment, which is designed to set me up for radiation. Basically, it's a CAT scan of my chest wall to determine where the rays are going to hit each time I go for radiation. I would also leave with red marks and dots on my chest so they know where to put my tattoos at the next appointment. After I got the scan, I was told that my right side was interfering with the angle of the beams. Which means I have to deflate it. Seriously? Luckily, I already had a scheduled appointment with my plastic surgeon today that I didn't originally need, and they had a cancellation this afternoon for another CT planning. So I'm back on schedule. But still, seriously? You might be wondering, like Tony was, what happens if someone had a real boob that got in the way? Well, real boobs are squishy and when one lies down, they fall to the sides. A foob with expanders in them stays in the same exact position whether one is standing or lying down. They are hard as a rock and they don't move at all. I'm sure my plastic surgeon will be less than enthused about this dilemma, but I have no other options. On the brighter side, I don't have to stuff my bra anymore. Equally flat on both sides.

I've been on the fence about my hair lately. It's getting a little out of control, especially around the ears. When I wake up in the morning, it is a lot out of control. There are cowlicks everywhere. What should I do??? I'm so scared to get my first post chemo haircut. It still seems so short. I also want to color it something fun to fool people that I actually want my hair to look like this. As if it was cut short on purpose. Charlize Theron style. You know, the artsy type that I am totally NOT.

Nipple-Less

I've been MIA for a few weeks. Sorry about that. It's been about two and a half weeks since my surgery, and I am still not fully functional. I'm still taking pain meds 'round the clock. I've been reading a lot of blogs and forums about other women's experiences with their mastectomies. It seems like most women recover quickly and are in minimal pain. What is wrong with me?? I usually bounce back quickly from surgery, but this time, I got my butt kicked. Big time.

What I had was a bilateral mastectomy and immediate reconstruction. The surgeon removed both breasts, nipples and all, then inserted expanders under my muscle. He also put either 240 or 260 cc's of saline in each expander; I can't remember the exact amount. The purpose of the expander is to stretch the skin to the desirable size and then replace them with permanent silicone implants in the future. Each week, I go in for a fill. Last week was my first fill of 60 cc's in each side. I can't say that the procedure was painful; it was definitely uncomfortable though. However, the day following the fill, I was in excruciating pain and had to ask my oncologist for a stronger painkiller. The new drug I was prescribed is like a legal narcotic, and it really messed with my head so I stopped taking it.

My next fill is tomorrow and I am not looking forward to it at all. My skin is peeling from being stretched so much. I don't know how it's going to react to radiation in this condition. As the title of this post states, I am without nipples. It's sad to look at two rock hard mounds, each with a 3-4 inch lateral scar. I desperately want this whole journey to be over with. I'm tired of seeing doctors every week, and I'm tired of all the surgeries. I want my life back already!

The small syringe was used to numb the skin, and the big ones were used to inject saline into each expander.  And to think, some women get more than 60 cc's at each fill! Ouch!

It's been 3 1/2 months since my last chemo. When will my hair be long enough to style, so I don't look like a boy??