Bye-Bye, Bon Bons

That's what Peyton calls them. Bon bons. Twas the night before my double mastectomy and how do I feel? Anxious, mostly. Have I told you how much I hate getting an IV? Remember how the nurses laughed at me because they couldn't find my vein? Sleep has not been my friend these last few days. Last night, I dreamt that I was late to my surgery. No matter what I did, I just couldn't get there.

The one thing that is different about tomorrow's surgery is that I had time. I was only given one week notice for my lumpectomies. I had over a month's notice for this one. What does that mean? Time to plan, organize, clean, and above all, be anxious.

The kids have been asking about my surgery. I have no idea how to explain to them that my old bon bons were bad, so the doctor has to remove them and give me new ones. So, I just said that the doctor wants to make me all better. Of course, that is an unsatisfactory response for Matthew. Too simple of an answer. In his eyes and Peyton's as well, I'm not sick. Why visit the doctor when I'm not sick? Makes perfect sense, right? I love the innocent and untainted minds of children.

I'm glad that my surgery is at 7:30 am. Being the first case means the doctor can't run behind and make me wait. Because that would suck. Waiting sucks. I feel bad that Tony has to wait for the surgeon to come out and tell him that everything went fine. Then he has to wait until I wake up before they even let him see me.

Well, I have a big day ahead of me, and I still need to finish some laundry and pack for the hospital. New, cancer free bon bons, here I come!

 Enough hair to go hat-less in public? 

New Year, New Me

Wow, it's been awhile. I've thought about blogging so many times over the past few weeks, but I just haven't had the energy to do it. Now that the holidays are over, I need to get back on the wagon. Christmas was absolutely wonderful this year. So many unforgettable memories were made. When I was first diagnosed, I was deeply scared that this would be the last Christmas spent with my friends and family. My outlook on life has changed so much these past few months. I first went through shock, then denial, and finally acceptance. I'm learning to document my life with more photos, videos, and journaling. I don't want any special moments to be forgotten.

My double mastectomy is scheduled to be on January 18. I'm trying to prepare for it by organizing the house like crazy. Since my recovery will be at least 3 weeks, I want to make sure that things are in order. After my recovery, I will be getting radiation daily for 5 weeks. I anticipate being on medical leave for at least two months, which means I need to get my long term sub ready. Just another thing that I need to take care of. It is not easy to prepare a complete stranger to take over your classroom for a long period of time.

The plastic surgeon I met with came highly recommended by a friend of mine. He estimates that my whole reconstruction process will take about two years. Radiation complicates things because it ruins your skin. He says that he will need to use my latissimus dorsi muscle and skin from my back to help create new breasts. This will be in addition to implants. I was bummed that he couldn't use my stomach fat! I really do have excess tummy fat and skin, just not enough to make new breasts. Bummer. All of the additional surgeries will take place after radiation and after my skin has been fully expanded. A day after the mastectomy, I will leave the hospital with expanders and drains.

So the anticipation is building. I'm trying to keep busy to avoid freaking out about this whole thing. Because I am really freaking out. This is not my first surgery, but it's a major one that will leave my body deformed for awhile.

Since I'm typing in bed right now, it's too dark to take any pictures. I will post an updated one soon. Happy New Year, everyone! May 2013 be an amazing year full of love and happiness! 2012 sucked for me, so I'm looking forward to new beginnings!