Words on My Last Chemo: Bittersweet

Here I am, on the night of my last chemo treatment. Sitting at the kitchen table, on my iPad, drinking coffee with pumpkin spice creamer, listening to the Enya channel on Pandora, with a Marshmallow Fireside scented candle burning away. Oh, and don't forget the jars of fresh flowers. Lovely. Can you imagine it? It looks like this:

So serene. So peaceful. I think I'm ready to meditate. I close my eyes for a few seconds and savor this moment. It's the small things, you know. That's all that really matters. A hug from a friend. A smile from a stranger. Brushing Peyton's hair. Watching Matthew dance. Staring at my husband without him knowing. Thinking about nothing and everything, all at the same moment.

I had a hard time sleeping last night because I had mixed feelings about today. It's a huge milestone, and I should be jumping for joy. Instead, I am sad and you can say, even a little depressed. My security blanket is gone. I found comfort in going to chemo every Friday. Today marked my 20th treatment since June. There was no gradual weaning process. It seemed too abrupt, kind of unfair to be honest. Going to chemo meant I was actively doing something to fight the disease. Not going means I'm venturing into unknown territory. The unpredictability of the future scares me. Not being in control of my life scares me. But my nurse reassured me that I have done and will do all that I can, and that is the best that I can do for myself. Bittersweet.

The nurses put a crown on me to celebrate my last treatment.

 

Close my eyes. Savor the moment. The music, the candle, a sip of coffee, and a smile slowly spreads across my face.

I love my friends. M and D surprised me this morning with balloons, flowers, and some very thoughtful gifts. They gave me Mentos (my fav candy), bobby pins, and hair clips! How I hope to be able to use them soon. After dinner, my brother and sister in law surprised me with a cake to celebrate this momentous day. Delish. Thank you guys for making today a special one. 

 

Remember. It's the small things. Laughing when Mace continuously tried to pinch my neck. Trying relentlessly to get a kiss from Airi. My dad giving me a kiss when he first saw my bald head. The way my mom carries Peyton out of the car every morning. The way Matthew walks down the steps at school. The way my sister fixes her bangs.  My brother in law and sis in law visiting and bringing me my fav drink from Ten Ren's. Tony washing dishes and telling me he doesn't need help. How M comes in my class every morning to ask how I'm doing. How D texts me every week to check on my health. The way my brother plays with the kids. The way my sister in law takes care of Matthew and Peyton. The way Emi smiles. How my cousin, Tai, is growing out his hair to donate it. I have to remind myself of the small things in life that make me happy. I have to write these things down because I don't want to forget. Ever. 

I can't wait to see my childhood best friend. She will be visiting us this weekend, along with her husband and two kids. They live in Texas and I have never met her children. The last time we saw each other, Matthew was probably about 2 months old. I'm very excited about her stay with us!! 

Whose idea was it to drink coffee at 10 pm? I guess I can catch up on some Jersey Shore. Can't wait to see the bar fight. The small things, ya know.